Slowly Freaking Out
by Ochiphius
Summary: Prepare to meet the most dysfunctional and mentally unstable team in Konoha history. Featuring a half-Hyuuga with a superiority complex, a bipolar Nara, a blind Uchiha, and their Sensei, a pseudo-jinchuuriki Uzumaki. Oh, how many OCs this thing has. Very, VERY OC-centric. Rating for language, mostly. And jokes made in bad taste. And honey badgers. Don't judge.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Okay, so here's the dealio: I have no idea how to properly begin ANYTHING, so this thing just kinda starts in the middle of nowhere. So here's a tiny little background:**

 **The main character is the first of many OCs, a young girl named Miyako Hyuuga, the bastard child of a member of the main branch (my story, so I get to mess up the canon however I want) and a mystery woman. She is (as you will later see) not how you would expect a Hyuuga to be. She entered the Academy at age 6. Her friends include: Rin Nohara, Obito Uchiha, Asuma Sarutobi, and Kurenai Yuhi. Miyako has a potty mouth. She is ten, at this point in the story. As you may have already guessed, this takes place before Naruto begins. That is all you need to know. This is my first fanfic, so expect it to be...sub-par.**

 **I'm not entirely sure if there's going to be and non-canon romance or anything yet.**

 **Also, several warnings: Some of the characters may have traits some might find offensive. I acknowledge that, so please give me minimal amounts of crap for this. This is, after all, kind of a crack fic.**

 **ALSO also, the title is the name of a song by Skylar Grey. I thought it to be appropriate for this thing.**

 _ **Updates will be at random, seeing as I am often possessed by writer's block.**_

 **Edit: I just changed the age Miyako and the other OCs graduated, mainly because I wanted them to stand out compared to the others just a little bit.**

* * *

I do not own Naruto. Masashi Kishimoto and Hinata Hyuuga own Naruto. The song _Slowly Freaking Out_ is written and performed by Skylar Grey (AKA Holly Brook Hafermann). I only own my OCs, my pillow, and a copy of _V._

 ** _Please don't sue._**

* * *

Honestly, I had originally planned on graduating a year later than I actually did, mainly so I could be placed in a team with people I actually liked. However, thanks to Obito and his big mouth (and 80 Ryou on the line), I took the graduation exam when I was eight.

And I passed with flying colors. At the top of my class. And 80 Ryou richer.

I was one of six people my age who passed when I did. Two of those people were going to be my teammates for the foreseeable future. I prayed to whatever god was in charge of ninja teams that I not be put in a team with total idiots. Hell, I even wrote a letter to Hiruzen Sarutobi, begging him to put me on a team with smart people. He never responded.

Kurenai had repeatedly assured me that everything was going to be okay. So much so that I almost believed her. Almost.

As soon as I entered the classroom where our teams were to be announced, my fear of dying surrounded by idiots resurfaced, mainly because of because of my minor superiority complex. I took a seat in the rear corner of the room and buried my head in my arms. I stayed like this for thirty seconds before Junko-sensei entered the room. All talking ceased immediately at her arrival. She cleared her throat, and without wasting any time, began reading off the teams. And before I knew it…

"Team Four will be Hyuuga Miyako, Uchiha Noboru, and Nara Shikayoshi-"

"YES!" My teammates weren't morons! I jumped out of my seat and raised my hands up in victory. About thirty heads turned toward me. I sat down right away, my face as red as a tomato.

Junko-sensei glared at me before continuing, "…and your Jounin instructor will be Uzumaki Saito. Team Five will be Yamanaka Inori…"

But I stopped paying attention. My team was fucking amazing. A Hyuuga, a Nara, and an Uchiha. Of course, Shikayoshi was a little above average intelligence at best, and Noboru was blind, and I was possibly the child of a prostitute and I have the stolen eyes of my father that he had illegally implanted into my head before he died for whatever jacked up symbolic shit reason he had because I wasn't born with the Byakugan because my mother was PROBABLY A HOOKER and most of the Hyuuga clan think of me as trash because my mom MIGHT HAVE BEEN A HOOKER and I totally definitely might POSSIBLY have a huge MINOR superiority complex because the only family I have is either dead or treats me like shit because THERE IS THE SMALL POSSIBILITY THAT MY MOTHER WAS A PROSTITUTE. I mean, you'd think that my dad would have set everyone straight or at least tell me, his own daughter, the identity of THE HUMAN BEING I CAME OUT OF.

"Ah. Miyako san."

"I'll tell you when you're older, Miyako," he said.

"When the time is right," he said.

"You don't need to know right now," he said.

AND THEN HE FUCKING DIED AND LEFT ME WITH HIS EYES AND A CHILDHOOD OF PAIN.

"Miyako-san?"

And then I found out that the Hokage knows the identity of my mother AND HE WON'T SAY ANYTHING EITHER.

"Miyako-san."

"I will tell you when you are older, Miyako-chan," he said

"I gave Hideaki-kun my word," he said.

"I promise I will tell you when you are ready," he said.

"Excuse me…"

BULLSHIT. I DESERVED TO KNOW AS SOON AS I LEFT THAT LADY'S VAGINA. BUT NOOOOOO! IT'S THE "LET'S NOT TELL MIYAKO SHIT" GAME! AND THEY ARE PLAYING WITH PIECES OF MY SANITY!

"Is she asleep?"

"Dude, she's talking to herself. She doesn't seem like the type to talk in her sleep."

"Try waking her up again."

"I have tried. Why don't you try?"

WELL I'M SICK OF PLAYING!

"She's banging her head on the desk, Noboru."

"Yes. I know. I'm blind not deaf."

"Oh for Kami's sake. OI! WAKE UP!"

I shot my head up and slammed my fist against the table. "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

Two very startled looking boys stared at me. It took me a few seconds to realize that they were my teammates.

Shit.

We Shikayoshi and I stared at each other in silence before Noboru spoke up.

"I'm sorry for scaring you. My name is Uchiha Noboru and this is Nara Shikayoshi. We're your new teammates."

* * *

We ate lunch together at a small restaurant near the academy. Noboru and Shikayoshi seemed nice enough.

Turned out that the only reason Shikayoshi stayed in the middle of the class was because he really hated attention. He wasn't used to it because he's always been in the shadow of his older brother.

I nearly choked on my rice when I found out who his brother was. "Shikaku Nara's your brother?! How the hell wasn't that a huge deal when we were in the Academy?"

The Nara shrugged. "I never brought it up, and neither did the teachers. But I think Nii-san had something to do with that."

"He probably blackmailed them or something," Noboru snorted between bites of isobeyaki. As soon as he got comfortable around me, Noboru dropped his stuffy, aloof, Uchiha persona to reveal his laid-back and slightly immature personality.

Shikayoshi chuckled, but didn't say anything. I noticed that he tensed slightly at the word "blackmail."

Then I remembered that it was a well-known fact that Shikaku was a genius and next in line to become clan head. And then it clicked.

"Oh." I didn't know what else to say.

"Well that explains why Kaito-sensei always seemed to be afraid of you," Noboru said. "What happened?"

"Well…" Shikayoshi began.

Our kind, well-mannered, Kaito-sensei has been cheating on his wife on a weekly basis for the past seven years. He has six bastard children. Shikaku found out and confronted him about this information.

"…so Nii-san said that as long as Kaito-sensei keeps me out of the spotlight, he wouldn't tell his wife." Shikayoshi finished.

Noboru and I looked at each other I looked at Noboru and we both cracked up.

"Holy shit!" I laughed. "Kaito-sensei's a fuckboy!"

My statement made Noboru laugh even harder and fall on the ground, which in turn made me laugh, and at some point our laughing made Shikayoshi start laughing and then he fell on the ground too, and about a second later, I fell too.

Team Four spent about fifteen minutes on the ground giggling like crazy people.

I didn't realize at the time how crazy we actually were.

* * *

When we got back to the Academy, we were instructed to sit and wait for our Sensei to arrive. Slowly, Jounin instructors began to collect their teams until we were the only ones left in the classroom.

"He's late." Noboru stated.

"No," Shikayoshi stated. "Everyone's still early. We've still got thirty minutes until he's actually supposed to arrive."

Neither of us questioned how he had this information. He was a Nara after all. They knew shit.

"I've been wondering," I began. "Noboru-kun, how did you take all the exams at the Academy?" _Because, you know, you're blind_ , were the unspoken words.

"Verbally," Noboru replied. "My cousin also helped me develop a sort of echolocation jutsu so that I'm not completely incompetent with target practice and sparring."

"Oh!" Shikayoshi exclaimed, as if suddenly remembering something. "Dude, were you born blind or did something else happen?"

I stepped on his foot. "Oh my god, Shikayoshi! You don't just ask someone why they're blind!"

Just as Shikayoshi opened his mouth to speak, Noboru shook his head.

"It's alright. We're teammates now, after all. I was born blind."

"See? He's fine with it," Shikayoshi said. "There's nothing-"

"My dad's my uncle," Noboru added, almost as an afterthought. It took me a second to register his words.

I choked on air and Shikayoshi kicked his chair in shock.

Noboru didn't seem fazed at all, almost as if he was used to that kind of reaction.

"YOU'RE AN INBRED?!" Shikayoshi yelled. I violently pushed him on the floor.

I looked at Noboru incredulously. "How the fuck did that happen?" I hissed.

He shrugged. "I have no idea. Didn't ask. Never wanted to."

I couldn't blame him, and I told him such. "Well, I'm not one to talk in the first place. My mom might have been a hooker."

This visibly shocked both of them.

"But you're a _Hyuuga_! Isn't that against your code or something?" Shikayoshi asked.

I rolled my eyes. "We don't have a 'code'," _I think._ "And I said she MIGHT be one. I don't know for sure."

"Why not? Don't you of all people have the right?" Noboru asked.

"Thank you!" I exclaimed. "But Daddy Dearest thought otherwise. And then he died. And now the Hokage won't tell me anything either!"

He shook his head in disbelief. "That's beyond stupid. What's there to hide anyway? She's your mother for Kami's sake."

"I could ask Shikaku," Shikayoshi offered. "He's Jounin and probably won't have any trouble finding out."

I turned to face him, eyes wide in disbelief. "You would do that? Why?"

"Honestly? I'm just as curious as you," he said sheepishly. I rolled my eyes.

"That's a really shitty reason to help someone. I swear, this team…" I stood up as an idea popped into my head. "You know what? Fuck it. We've got fifteen minutes. Let's get all our issues out in the open before we meet our Sensei."

My teammates nodded in agreement, and Shikayoshi volunteered to go first.

"Uh, okay. Where do I begin… My name is Nara Shikayoshi, younger brother of Nara Shikaku. I have almost crippling social anxiety and I hate kids under the age of five. I'm severely bipolar, and today is a good day compared to most. When I was eight I broke a kid's fingers with my Shadow Possession because Kaito-sensei got angry at me a few minutes earlier for a totally unrelated reason. I'm shit at genjutsu, and sometimes I hear voices in my head."

I nodded respectfully. "Good. Noboru, you're next."

"I'm Uchiha Noboru. I'm blind due to complications at birth because my mother decided it was a good idea to hook up with her own brother, who happens to be my father. Some people show me contempt because I'm an inbred, and that leads to my eternal contempt towards my parents. I hate human beings because they are war driven lunatics who only think with their respective sexual organs. My greatest ambition is to properly assist in the destruction of a majority of the human race."

Shikayoshi nodded toward me. "Your turn, Miyako-chan."

I nodded. "Cool. My name is Hyuuga Miyako. My dad was going to be the next head of the Hyuuga clan, but he might have slept with a prostitute. Of course, nobody would have known about this if I wasn't dropped off at the gates of Konoha like a piece of trash. I wasn't born with the Byakugan which made me ten times more alienated than I was originally, and that led me to gain my superiority complex. Dad refused to tell me anything about my birth mother, which led to some serious trust issues. Then he got sick and died of cancer, but not before he had an old friend of his surgically remove my eyes and implant his Byakugan in my skull. Illegally. And then he died. And I got the stupid Caged Bird seal on my head. And then I entered the Academy because I'm gonna be Hokage and destroy the Hyuuga clan from the inside."

"Huh," Noboru pondered this for a moment. "I think Shikayoshi wins."

"Really? I thought Miyako was pretty fucked up," he said.

I shook my head. "Noboru wants to destroy humanity. He wins, hands down."

"Holy _shit_."

The three of us turn toward the source of the voice. Standing in the doorway is a young, red haired man with bandages covering one of his eyes. He wore the Konoha Jounin vest, which led me to one conclusion.

"Are you Uzumaki Saito?" I asked. It was a stupid question. _Of course he is_ , I thought to myself. _He has red hair. Mainly the Uzumaki clan has red hair._

Saito recovered from his moment of shock and nodded with a grin on his face. "That's right. My name is Uzumaki Saito and I'm going to be your team leader, dattebate!"

"Definitely an Uzumaki," Noboru muttered under his breath.

Shikayoshi snorted.

"It's nice to meet you, Sensei," I stood up and bowed. "My name is-"

"Miyako-chan. I know. I literally heard everything, 'ttebete. You guys are seriously fucked up," Saito interrupted. "Man, Kushina's gonna love you guys."

"Who's Kushina?" Noboru asked.

Saito waved off his question. "You'll find out soon enough. Your first mission starts now!"

"WHAT?"

"But we just met you!" I snapped. "We know nothing about you."

"Exactly!" he grinned. "All you need to do is find me without me sensing you. If you fail, you head back to the Academy. You succeed, I take you as my team. Of course, you do have the option to not try and find me, but what's the fun in that?" Saito's grin grew wider at our shocked expressions. "What, you didn't know that not everybody who graduates the Academy gets to be Genin, right?"

Yeah, no. Did not know that.

I looked at Shikayoshi, who seemed to be the only one who knew what was going on.

"Most of the time, after students graduate, their Jounin instructors decide to test them in a certain skill or skills. If the students fail the test, they will either be sent back to the Academy, sent to the Genin corps, or dropped from the program permanently," Shikayoshi spoke with a grim expression.

"That's right! Now, I'm going to go. You can either follow me or not. It's your choice as a team," He said. Saito disappeared in a puff of smoke, leaving me and my new teammates alone in the classroom.

At this time, only two words came to my mind.

 _We're fucked._

* * *

"We need to follow him."

I stared at Shikayoshi in shock. "What do you mean we need to follow him? Are you crazy?"

"Yes. We all are," Shikayoshi replied. Well, he did have a point there.

Noboru sighed. "I'm with Miyako on this one. Saito-sensei is a _Jounin_. We just became Genin yesterday. Why do you think we need to follow him? Hell, what makes you think we _can_ follow him?"

"I received solid information from an anonymous source-"

I face palmed. "Shikaku told you?"

He nodded. "I had to pay him 80 Ryou in exchange for that information. Saito wants us to follow him in order to test our tracking skills and stealth."

I shook my head. "Why the fuck does he want to test that?"

Shikayoshi paused. "Saito-sensei's an S rank assassin. In the bingo books it's flee on sight."

Holy. Shit.

"Holy _shit_ ," Noboru breathed. "The only other person with that status is-"

"Minato Namikaze, I know. They're best friends. That's mainly why they have the same status. But anyway, Shikaku says that Saito-sensei wants to test our impulses, which is important in being an assassin," Shikayoshi explained. "Apparently the Hokage got a letter that made him choose our team, although nobody knows the details."

My eyes widened. "He _did_? He actually got the letter?" Holy shit he got the letter. My comment was ignored however, as Shikayoshi made a hand sign and closed his eyes.

"Why did it get so silent? What are you doing?" Noboru asked. When he didn't get an answer, he asked me. "Miyako-chan, what is he doing?"

"He's thinking. I think it's a Nara thing," I explain. "It's best not to interrupt him." I had no idea what would happen if we did, and I had no urge to find out. The Nara clan could be _hella_ scary if they're motivated. Almost as scary as an angry Aburame. I shuddered. No need to revisit _that_ memory.

Shikayoshi opened his eyes. "Miyako-chan. How far is the range on your Byakugan?"

"Uh…three…kilometers…?" I vaguely remembered Hiashi-san saying something along those lines. It was hard to measure distance when it didn't apply to you.

Shikayoshi nodded and relayed his plan to us. He finished with a proud grin on his face.

Noboru looked confused. "B-but I can't-"

"Exactly."

I looked back and forth between Shikayoshi and Noboru. I smiled.

 _Horse, Tiger, Boar, Hare, Rat, Dog, Horse, Dog, Hare, Rat, Boar, Snake._

"Byakugan!"


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Unless stated otherwise, only the parts told in the first person are Miyako's POV.**

* * *

 **Disclaimer** **: Naruto and Naruto Shippuden are all property of Masashi Kishimoto. I only own my OCs, my laptop, and several issues of _Shounen Jump._**

* * *

Uzumaki Saito wasn't scared of a lot of things. Mainly, he was afraid of suffocation and an angry Kushina. Now, though, he was afraid of three Genin. Terrified, actually.

Granted, Hokage-sama had warned him that his students were a little bit mentally unstable.

" _But because of your experience, Saito-kun, I trust that you will be able to handle them," Hiruzen took a deep breath of his pipe._

 _Saito raised his eyebrow. "I'm honored that you would think my abilities so highly, but what is it about this team that you needed to talk to me about in private?"_

 _Hiruzen winced. "They're a bit…unstable…mentally. Nothing you can't handle, I'm sure!"_

 _Saito nodded._

" _And, ah, about the girl, Miyako-chan…"_

" _Yes?"_

" _She's HER daughter."_

 _The red-haired Jounin blanched. "Her?! How the hell did that happen 'ttebate?"_

 _The Third shrugged. "Hell if I know. She didn't really talk about it. But that does not matter. You must not tell Miyako this information."_

Saito didn't bother asking why. He knew he wouldn't get an answer if he did. Their conversation was interrupted anyway, by Nakamura Junko, an instructor at the Academy, wondering why the fuck the Hokage would put an unnamed group of individuals in the same team. She then went on a rant, and Saito took the opportunity to leave the Hokage's office when Junko got to the part when one of said unnamed individuals broke another student's fingers one by one. On purpose. For no reason.

He knew now, though, that the unnamed student was Shikaku's little brother, Shikayoshi. And Shikayoshi was a Nara, so by this time he probably already formulated a plan to locate Saito. That plan most likely involved the Byakugan, Shadow Possession, and possibly having a blind kid draw dicks on his face.

Saito did not want to have dicks drawn on his face. Or anything for that matter.

He shook his head, as if to remove such thoughts from his brain. He decided that if shit hit the fan he would refrain from using any of the Kyuubi's chakra and just let the kids win. Besides scaring the shit out of them, he might lose control and kill them.

How fun would that be?

"Perks of being a fucking pseudo-jinchuuriki, dattebate," he muttered to himself, touching the bandages covering his eye. He was really being an idiot when he had tried to stop Kushina from becoming a jinchuuriki. Even now, Saito had no idea why his seven-year-old self had thought that interrupting the sealing of a bijuu was a good idea. Seven-year-old Saito didn't know that one could not simply interrupt the sealing of a bijuu without consequence. Seven-year-old Saito didn't expect the Kyuubi to seemingly like him more than Kushina. Seven-year-old Saito also didn't expect a large amount of the Kyuubi's chakra to enter into his own system. Seven-year-old Saito DEFINITELY didn't expect one of his eyes to be transformed into that of the Kyuubi's as a side effect of his meddling. Bright red with a slit pupil. It didn't affect his vision or anything. Really, the only reason Saito covered it with bandages was because it tended to freak people out.

But Saito didn't really mind the bandages. The chicks loved it.

Saito sighed and leaned against the trunk of the tree in the training ground he was hiding in. He had hidden his chakra levels to a point that he was nearly invisible, but it probably wasn't enough to hide from the Byakugan. Unless, of course, Saito was hiding way out of the range of Miyako's Byakugan, which he seriously doubted, considering who her eyes once belonged to.

Why the hell did he find it necessary to do this test in the first place? Saito had the authority to fail them as soon as he met them. Heck, he could fail them all now and personally recommend them to psych treatment. So why…?

Chuckling to himself, Saito adjusted his position in the tree. The Genin really were taking their time, weren't they? No sooner than that thought entered his mind did he suddenly sense three chakra signatures. And then a senbon embedded itself in the tree, just a few centimeters from Saito's head. He blinked in surprise and inspected the senbon. It went pretty far into the tree.

"Eh, a little too far to the left, Noboru. Otherwise, pretty good shot!" Miyako said.

Saito stood up on his branch and stared down at his students. "Were you trying to kill me?" Saito asked incredulously.

Noboru laughed nervously, "I never meant to kill you. Just maim, or seriously injure you."

"If that thing hit me, I would have died," Saito snapped. "How the hell did you know where to aim anyway?"

Shikayoshi chucked a kunai at Saito's head. It was extremely easy to dodge, and Saito didn't see the point of the kunai being thrown.

Miyako apparently thought so too. "Was there a point to that? That was the sloppiest kunai throw I have ever seen."

"He was making fun of Noboru."

Noboru shook his head. "He was making a valid point."

"You're too nice, Noboru," Miyako sighed.

 _Boar, Hare, Dragon, Dog, Snake, Horse, Hare, Snake._

Saito began to mold several chains out of his chakra. "Lesson one," he began. "Always expect your targets to fight back."

Shikayoshi's eyes widened. "You guys are seeing this too, right?"

"Yes," said Miyako.

"No," said Noboru. "But I sure as hell feel it."

Saito sent one of his chains to the Genins' feet, causing each of them to scatter and hide in different parts of the training ground. See, Saito was in a bit of a dilemma. While he wanted this whole thing to blow over, he couldn't just stop the test, or else the kids would either think he's weak, a pushover, or both. He sighed. This was gonna be a long night.

* * *

"Well, you guys pass, I guess," Saito said, scratching the back of his head. His three Genin were all on the ground. Noboru had a bloody nose, Shikayoshi a black eye, and Miyako was missing a molar.

"What…the…hell?" Miyako coughed. "We could have died!"

Saito shrugged. "Well, yeah. But you didn't. And you did complete the parameters of the test."

"Then what was the purpose of trying to kill us?" Noboru snapped.

A bead of sweat rolled down Saito's cheek. The kid wasn't even really _looking_ his way and it scared the shit out of him. "Ah. Well, I just wanted to test your strength, that's all." Thankfully, the kids looked satisfied with that answer. _I literally just pulled that out of my ass. I need to work on their bullshit sensing._ Saito took a deep breath. "We'll meet here tomorrow at 9 for our first real mission, alright?" He turned around and left without a word.

When he was out of sight, he rubbed his hand down his face. "Maybe I shouldn't have been so hard on them."

* * *

"How was it?" Kurenai asked me an hour later. After departing from the training ground, I went straight to her house. Despite Kurenai having graduated a year earlier, we still remained close friends.

"Other than me losing a tooth? Pretty well, actually. I'm officially on a Genin team now, so I'll be going on missions pretty soon." I replied.

Kurenai shook her head. "I can't believe he went all out on you guys. I mean, Noboru's blind!"

I laughed, despite the pain in my mouth. "Noboru threw a senbon that almost killed Saito. He's actually pretty capable other than the fact that he can't read."

"Still…"

I patted her back reassuringly. "Saito was holding back. Trust me. If he wasn't, I'd be dead." I turned her to face me. "He is an S-rank assassin whose status in foreign Bingo books is flee on sight. There is clearly a reason for that and I have no desire to experience that reason firsthand."

She laughed at that. "I wouldn't expect you to. By the way, Miyako," She became serious. "You mentioned that your team was really messed up. Other than your issues, and Noboru being blind, I don't get how messed up it could be."

I laughed nervously. "Well…"


	3. Chapter 3

**Well, I done fucked up. After some research, I realized that I messed up the whole age thing. So here's a little clear up:**

 **Miyako, Shikayoshi, Noboru, and three unnamed people graduated when they are 8, a year before Obito, Rin, etc., etc.**

 **Obito, Rin, Kurenai, Asuma, and Gai graduate when they are 9.**

 **Kakashi graduates the same year as Obito, Rin and co. when he is** **5** **.**

 **This chapter takes place one year, three months, and twelve days after the last chapter. This means that everyone has graduated at this point.**

 **Now that that is over with, a little bit about this chapter:**

 **I am introducing THREE original clans that have been swimming around in my head for a few years. There is also a little info note about these clans and other things that I have no idea how to incorporate into the fic at the end of this chapter.**

 **Shout out to my first two reviewers EVER, IntoTheDeep27 and rheascarlet!**

 **Thank you for your support!**

* * *

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. Naruto is Masashi Kishimoto's toy. I'm just horribly deforming it for shits and giggles.**

* * *

For about a year after the test, my days were filled of D-Rank missions including, (but not limited to): Babysitting, gardening, grocery shopping, dog walking, and cleaning.

And then there was Tora, the Daimyo's wife's cat, who ran away on a regular basis. After chasing Tora around the village about ten times, Madam Shijimi seemed to realize that Team 4 managed to get the job done _much_ faster than the other teams, so we began getting requested by name. We were also getting paid more, but that did nothing to ease the burning hatred I had gained for the Daimyo's wife. Eventually, I got so tired of chasing the damn thing around for her that I just started hanging around in the tree outside of my apartment while my team located and caught the cat. While I'm pretty sure Saito knew about it, he never mentioned it.

" _You might as well be a Nara,"_ Kurenai had said when I informed her of how I spent my missions. _"You're even lazier than Shikayoshi!"_

The truth of that statement had deeply wounded me, although I did nothing to fix that.

"We have the cat," Noboru said in my earpiece. I knew he genuinely hated missions that greatly relied on, you know, _seeing_ things, so he was probably grateful that the mission was over. Luckily, Saito was working on chakra sensing with him, so it wasn't really that bad anymore.

"Gotcha," I said. "How long did that take, 10 minutes?"

"Fifteen," came Shikayoshi's muffled reply. "I hate this damn cat." In response I heard a growl and Shikayoshi yell, "Shit!" and then a louder, "Fuck!" and Saito's muffled laughter.

"What happened?" I asked, alarmed.

Noboru laughed humorlessly. "Shikayoshi let the cat go."

"I did _not_! The little shit scratched me!" came his indignant reply.

Saito chuckled. "The cat's a crafty motherfucker. Been running away since _I_ was Genin." There was a grunt and muffled meows. "I got it. Rendezvous at the Tower."

I turned off my radio, stretched, and dropped down from my tree.

…And I landed in a pile of animal shit.

I was wearing sandals.

"FUUUUUUUU-"

* * *

Meanwhile in the Inuzuka Compound, a chill went down Haru Inuzuka's spine. He looked down at his ninken and made a mental vow to always pick up the dog's feces. Haru didn't know where this was coming from, but he had a gut feeling that his life depended on it.

* * *

"-UUUUUCK!" I was breathing heavily, visibly shaking with rage. I had thrown my tainted shoe somewhere in my outburst. "When I find the person who left this shit here…"

"Are you done?" A voice came from behind me.

I whirled around to see a boy who appeared to be at least three years younger than me, holding my shit-covered shoe at arm's length. He was wearing a blue mask that covered the lower half of his face, a Konoha hitai-ate on his forehead, and his hair was spikey and silver.

"Why did you throw your shoe?" the boy asked.

I blinked, suddenly comprehending that this stranger was holding my shoe. "I stepped in poop. Why do you have my shoe?"

He turned around to reveal a brown footprint on his back.

I bit back a laugh and cleared my throat. "Uh, sorry about that. You're…?"

He turned back to face me. "Kakashi Hatake."

"Miyako Hyuuga. Nice to meet you," I extended my hand, then remembered he was holding a shoe and retracted my hand. "Sorry. You can just toss that," I apologized again.

Kakashi shrugged and tossed the shoe into a nearby trashcan. "I doubt I would have done the same thing, but I understand your anger. Fecal matter is unpleasant."

My eye twitched. _Wordy little bastard ain't you?_ "Well, I need to go to see the Hokage with my team…"

The young boy nodded and bowed, "I apologize for keeping you, Miyako-senpai."

 _Senpai…?_ "See you later, Kakashi-kun," I left with a halfhearted wave.

 _Stupid dog,_ I thought. _Now I'm gonna be late._

* * *

The Hokage was in the middle of an important meeting so Team 4 had to wait until he was finished.

"Miyako-chan, I don't know if you've noticed, but you are missing a shoe," Shikayoshi decided to inform me when we met up outside the Hokage's office. He was holding a rag against his cheek that I decided not to comment on.

"Yep," I replied.

"Why are you missing a shoe?" Noboru asked. He was holding a large sack that was thrashing and growling.

I eyed the bag warily as I responded, "I stepped in some dog feces. Um, is the cat in there?"

Saito chuckled. "The cat's got claws, you know? From past experience, this is the best way to handle it."

Noboru glared in Saito's general direction. "And you couldn't share this information earlier why?"

Saito opened his mouth to answer, but was interrupted when the door to the Hokage's office was opened by a young blonde man.

He and Saito grinned at each other and bumped fists.

"So this is the infamous team, huh?" the blonde man regarded us with amusement in his eyes.

Saito laughed. "Yep. What about you? Did you get your team assigned yet?"

The man nodded. "I'm getting an Uchiha, an orphan girl, and Sakumo's kid."

I blinked. "Obito and Rin? They're on a team together?"

"Oh, you know them?"

I nodded. "They're my good friends." I pursed my lips. "If you don't mind me asking, who are you?"

"My name is Minato Namikaze. I'm sorry for not introducing myself earlier," he smiled and I flushed.

I looked away, embarrassed. "I'm Miyako. It's nice to meet you, Namikaze-san." Shikayoshi was grinning at me, but the grin faded when I glared at him. Minato and Saito exchanged a few words before Minato left.

"Isn't he dating your sister, Sensei?" Noboru asked. The bag had stopped trying to kill him, and he had relaxed considerably.

Saito laughed. "That he is, Noboru, that he is."

* * *

Honestly, seeing via chakra sensing was _weird_. It was different for every person, and Noboru knew for sure he didn't "see" like other sensor types.

In Noboru's case, most people have the same color chakra. For example, most of the civilian population and most ninja had light blue chakra. There were, however, some exceptions. Saito and his sister, Kushina, both had purple chakra. Saito's chakra was more blue, and Kushina's was more red. When questioned about this, the two siblings laughed nervously. _How strange,_ they had said. But Noboru knew they were hiding something, even if they didn't say so.

The members of the Hoshizaka clan had deep green chakra, and the four clan members who were descendants of Tobirama Senju had blue-green chakra.

The Yukimura clan members who had fled defected from Kirigakure during the Second Shinobi War were peculiar in that they didn't have a lot of chakra. Noboru knew that it was because the Yukimura clan weaponized their own blood, which was essentially like chakra to them. The clan was feared in Kiri because even if a clan member was drained of chakra, they would not die of chakra exhaustion. This made it difficult for Noboru to talk with those clansmen, because a lot of the time, they had no chakra in their systems.

Miyako and Shikayoshi both had unique chakra signatures. Shikayoshi had very dark blue chakra that was kind of hard to see. Noboru theorized that this was because of the Nara clan's shadow affinity. Miyako had cobalt blue chakra that was constantly moving, and was very concentrated toward her eyes. It was a very pretty chakra signature that Noboru often found himself mesmerized by.

The cat that Noboru currently held captive in a bag was a ball of darkness and loathing. One might ask how Noboru could differentiate the cat's darkness from the darkness of his blindness.

In response to this question, Noboru would shiver and say, "If the devil encountered this cat, he would run far, far away."

Needless to say, the young Uchiha boy was afraid of Tora, and felt nothing when the cat was returned to the boisterous Madam Shijimi.

When the Daimyo's wife left the Hokage's office, Noboru let out a sigh of relief.

"Are you well, Noboru-kun?" the Hokage asked, concerned.

He nodded. "That cat is the devil," he muttered.

Miyako heard him and snorted, and Shikayoshi elbowed her in the ribs.

The Hokage laughed, "Madam Shijimi offers you all her deepest gratitude. She personally recommended your team for a C-Rank mission."

Noboru's teammates' chakra flared with excitement.

"Really? A C-Rank?!" Miyako was practically jumping up and down.

"About damn time," Saito muttered.

Shikayoshi sighed in relief, "Thank Kami."

The Hokage chuckled at their reactions. "You are going to Tsukigakure in Yoru no Kuni to take care of…" some papers were shuffled. "…a…honey badger problem, apparently."

.

.

.

"WHAT?!"

* * *

 **Yoru no Kuni (Land of Night)- a made up country I created that is located somewhere on the edge of the Land of Fire. It's hidden village is Tsukigakure. Yoru's nights are several hours longer than it's days (hence the name). It is about a day away from Konoha. They have honey badger problems.**

 **The Hoshizaka Clan- A founding clan of Konoha who, thanks to a woman named Nanako Hoshizaka, allied themselves with the Senju clan during the First Shinobi War. Nanako married Tobirama Senju (because Tobirama is a sexy motherfucker and he needed a wife), and is considered a hero. The Hoshizaka Kekkei Genkai is essentially a rip-off of Konan's paper, but with leaves (In this fic, however, Konan stole it from the Hoshizaka clan) and they are genjutsu specialists.**

 **The Yukimura Clan- Originally located in Kirigakure, a majority of the Yukimura clan defected from Mist during the Second Shinobi War. The Yukimura Kekkei Genkai is their ability to use their own blood as a weapon. This ability is not original, as it is inspired by Deadman Wonderland. The Yukimura are skilled healers, and, as mentioned before, they don't really need chakra to survive. However, if a Yukimura uses their blood control too much for too long they will pass out and/or die from blood loss.**

 **The Orihara Clan- Their name is based off of Izaya Orihara from DRRR. They were allied with the Uchiha during the First Shinobi War. They are a clan of swordsmen and seal masters. The Orihara Kekkei Genkai is their ability to create seals on any surface, and in some cases, a clan member can simply place their hand on something, picture the seal, and it will appear. The clan is located in Tsukigakure in Yoru no Kuni, for whatever reason I come up with in the future.**

 **Finally, Noboru CANNOT identify colors, mainly because he doesn't know how to describe them (because he's blind). I just used the names of colors because I don't know how a blind person would describe colors if at all.**

 **Reviews are love!**

 **Than you for reading.**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: This one was a bitch. Because of that, not a lot happens here. The next chapter will have more stuff. Sorry.**

 **Many thanks to my reviewers rheascarlet and IntoTheDeep27!**

* * *

 **Disclaimer: If I owned Naruto, would I be writing fanfictions?**

* * *

We departed from the village at six o' clock the next morning because, according to Saito, three hours to get to Tsukigakure and three to get back. This was added to the unknown amount of time it would take to actually deal with the honey badger problem.

I figured that we would only be dealing with ten, maybe twenty honey badgers.

I was not expecting over a hundred running wild in the woods around Tsukigakure.

I _definitely_ wasn't expecting to witness a civilian man getting dragged off into the depths of the woods by three of them.

"He's dead," Noboru confirmed. "Very dead."

Shikayoshi was pale. "What the _fuck_?"

Saito winced. "Yeah. I should have mentioned that honey badgers are essentially the spawn of the devil."

I glared at him, "And you couldn't have mentioned that before because…?"

Saito raised his hands in defense. "I forgot to mention it!"

" _How?!_ " Noboru exclaimed angrily. "We could _die_ on this mission!"

"You're not going to die," Saito rolled his eyes.

Shikayoshi snorted. "Famous last words," he muttered.

"If you didn't already notice," I growled, "we just saw a dead guy get dragged into the forest! Isn't this supposed to be a shinobi village? Why aren't the ninja taking care of this?"

"While Tsukigakure _is_ a hidden village, there aren't a lot of ninja here," Saito explained. "The Orihara clan is nearly dead due to lack of procreation-"

" _What._ "

"-and the members that _do_ remain are either in Kumogakure or Iwagakure. So to answer your question, Miyako-chan, the reason there aren't ninja taking care of this is because there _are_ no ninja to take care of it," Saito finished. He began to look around. "Which sucks because I need to tell somebody that we're here."

Conveniently, as soon as Saito said that, a Tsukigakure shinobi came running up to us. Although he had white hair, he didn't appear to be any older than Saito.

"Are you the reinforcements from Konoha?" he asked.

"Yeah," Saito nodded. "Uh, we were told that this would be a C-Rank, but we just saw some badgers dragging a corpse into the forest, so…"

"My name is Toshirou Orihara. Toyo-sama officially raised the status of the mission to B-Rank a few minutes before you arrived," the ninja bowed. "However, Toyo-sama asks you to please assist us in any way possible until more reinforcements arrive!"

Saito chuckled, "Well, I can't just deny a request from Toyo-sama, can I? Inform her that we will begin to assist her immediately, dattebate."

I looked at him incredulously. "Sensei, are you-"

He smiled reassuringly and patted my head. "You'll all be fine 'ttebate. Just make sure you keep them a safe distance from you, and only attack if you are attacked."

"You make that sound easier than it is," Noboru grumbled. "I actually _like_ living. I'm sticking with you, Sensei."

Saito shrugged, "That's fine with me." He turned to Shikayoshi and I, "Are you two going to split up or stick together?"

"Together," we said at the same time.

Toshirou bowed in gratitude. "On behalf of the population of Tsukigakure, thank you very much!"

Saito placed his hands on his hips, shook his head and laughed.

"Oh, you guys owe us _big time_."

* * *

"Reinforcements are taking their damn time, aren't they?" I growled. "If I have to spend another minute looking for honey badgers to kill I swear to Kami I'm going to-"

"You need to calm down," Shikayoshi urged. "I'm sure reinforcements will be coming any minute now."

I laughed humorlessly, "Yeah, I'm pretty sure you said something similar _six hours ago!_ " I lowered my voice. "The honey badgers are going to kill us. They're _watching us._ Waiting to strike. _I feel them_."

"You're crazy."

" _I'm_ crazy?! Those things killed two trained shinobi!"

Shikayoshi was quiet for a moment. Then, "You have a point."

I smirked. "Naturally."

He shook his head in mock disappointment. "This would have been done a lot faster if you'd use your Byakugan."

I rolled my eyes. "It eats up a lot of chakra and-"

"That is bullshit and you know it," Shikayoshi interrupted. "Noboru even said it barely does anything to your chakra supplies, so-"

" _And_ ," I cut in, "I want to become strong _without_ the help of mediocre taijutsu and weird veiny eyes."

Shikayoshi looked at me in disbelief. "You have access to the freaking _Byakugan_ and one of the most potent taijutsu styles in the world and you're just going to _ignore_ them?"

"No," I held up a hand. "I'm developing my own taijutsu style _inspired_ by Gentle Fist. Once I reach at _least_ Jounin level, I'll add the Byakugan to my taijutsu and that'll increase my skill level immensely." I crossed my arms and looked at Shikayoshi smugly.

He rubbed his hand down his face. "I can't tell whether you're insane or a genius. Does the clan know about this?"

"The clan doesn't give a shit about what I do," I tapped my forehead protector, "and the Caged Bird seal will slowly kill me if I do anything they _do_ give a shit about. They kicked me out of the compound anyway, and…" I trailed off when I noticed Shikayoshi's face become noticeably pale. "Hey, are you-"

"Miyako-chan," his teeth were clenched, "turn around _slowly_ and make _no sudden movements_."

I furrowed my brow in confusion, but did as instructed.

I bit back a scream.

A few meters away stood a honey badger about the size of a full-grown Inuzuka ninken. It took a few steps forward, and I whipped out a kunai and held it out in front of me.

"I said no sudden movements!" Shikayoshi hissed.

I glared at him out of the corner of my eye. "It's not like that's going to do anything!"

"She's right, you know," a sassy, male voice said.

We froze.

"Shikayoshi-kun…" I began.

"I heard it too," he said quietly.

We turned to the honey badger, which appeared to be glaring at us. It opened its mouth and spoke, "What, you ain't never seen a talking honey badger before?"

"I've never seen a honey badger before today," I retorted with a sudden burst of confidence, "let alone a _talking_ one."

The honey badger looked amused. "I like your spunk, girl. What's your name?"

"Miyako Hyuuga," I said. "And this is-"

"Do I look like I care about that motherfucker?" the honey badger did not seem to give a shit. "And would you put that damn kunai away? If I wanted to attack y'all I would've done it already."

I put my kunai away and turned to Shikayoshi. "Go get Noboru and Saito-sensei or any other ninja you can find and bring them here."

"But-"

I rolled my eyes, "Just go. I'll be fine."

With one worried glance, Shikayoshi ran out of the forest.

I turned to the giant honey badger and crossed my arms. "Who are you and what do you want?"

"Straight to the point, huh?" It chuckled. "The name's Taro and I've come to offer you a proposition."

At this, I narrowed my eyes, "Continue."

"I'll give you the short version," Taro explained. "We're animal summons, and our summoner is a massive douche with some personal vendetta against Tsukigakure and its people. For the past thirty years, the honey badger population has been forced to carry out our summoner's revenge."

I blinked. "What could have made your summoner that angry?"

"Hell if I know," Taro brushed off the question. "Look, kid. We want out of this contract, and you're just the person we need to make this possible."

What.

Seeing my confusion, Taro continued, "If you help us, we'll help you."

"How?" I questioned immediately.

The honey badger chuckled. "I'm liking you more and more. Straight to the point, you are. If you get us out of this contract, we'll become your summons. Before you say anything else, I couldn't help but overhear you mentioning a Caged Bird Seal. We can help you get rid of it."

"Deal," I said automatically. "What do you need?"

"Reinforcements, mainly," Taro said. "As well as the death of our summoner."

I pursed my lips. "Who is your summoner anyway?"

"Osamu Morikubo."

* * *

"Absolutely not!" Saito declared when Taro retold his story. "Taking on Osamu Morikubo is out of the question!"

"I don't remember asking for your damn permission," Taro snapped.

Saito shook his head. "Morikubo is a damn war criminal! There is no way I'm allowing a _Genin_ to take him on by herself!"

"Well, _excuse me_ ," Taro scoffed, "I would have thought the _Crimson Shadow_ of all people would be up for this."

Meanwhile, Noboru, Shikayoshi, and I are listening to the argument in a mixture of amusement and terror.

"How is he here without Morikubo knowing?" Noboru wondered aloud.

"I wondered the same thing," I said. "Taro-san said that part of the contract was that the honey badgers are allowed to come and go as they please."

"For the last time," Saito said angrily, "I am _not_ allowing Miyako-chan to do this alone!"

"Did I fucking _stutter_?" Taro shot back. "I did not ask your damn permission!"

There was silence.

"Did Saito-sensei just lose to a _badger_?" Noboru whispered.

Saito crossed his arms and smirked. " _Alone_ , Taro-san. I said _alone_. You can't expect me to pass up on taking down Osamu Morikubo, can you?"

I grinned. "To answer your question, Noboru-kun, no. Saito-sensei did not lose to a badger."

* * *

 **You might be thinking, "Hana, why honey badgers? Why not wolverines?"**

 **Well, there are several reasons:**

 **First, according to a psychic (I think?) at a Native American festival thing I went to a few months ago, the honey badger is my spirit animal.**

 **Second, honey badgers are awesome.**

 **Now you might be thinking, "But Hana, honey badgers aren't indigenous to the Americas _or_ Japan!"**

 **To which I say:**

 **A) Take it up with Madame Littlefeather**

 **and**

 **B) Naruto doesn't take place in Japan does it? It takes place in the Narutoverse where everyone just so happens to speak Japanese.**

 **So, yeah. Apologies for the uneventful chapter.**

 **Thanks for reading!**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: This one was a bitch**

* * *

 **Disclaimer: Own Naruto I do not.**

* * *

Tsukigakure's chieftain, Toyo Orihara, was a middle aged woman with snow white hair and gray-blue eyes whose very presence screamed _royalty_. At first glance, it seemed like nothing could faze her.

Then we brought a giant talking honey badger into her office. And told her that an insane war criminal wanted to destroy her village. Then all formalities flew out the window.

"Osamu Morikubo is sending animal summons to slowly kill the population of Tsukigakure," she said. It was more of a statement than a question, but I could feel the killing intent she was emitting. Lady Toyo took several deep breaths to compose herself before turning her gaze on me. "And one of these summons came to you with this information?"

"Y-yes ma'am!" I straightened up.

"How old are you, Miyako-chan?" she asked.

"Nine, Orihara-sama," I responded. "I became a Genin last year."

Lady Toyo folded her hands and sighed deeply. "Seeing as the honey badgers chose you, and they are not asking permission, I have no choice but to allow you to take part in this endeavor. If Shikayoshi-kun and Noboru-kun also wish to partake in this, they are allowed as well."

I turned to my teammates, who haven't spoken a word since we began the meeting.

"This is so _troublesome_ ," Shikayoshi groaned. "But I guess we don't have a choice do we, Noboru?"

Noboru grinned, "Nope. Looks like you're stuck with us, Miyako-chan."

Saito began to chuckle. "Man, Kushina's gonna be _pissed_ that she missed this."

I turned back to Lady Toyo. "We'll do our best!"

She smiled. "I hope you do. I will send some of my ANBU to assist you as well."

I bowed, "Thank you very much!"

"If we succeed," Taro said, "we owe you all, big time."

* * *

"Morikubo is a nut, and therefore super unpredictable," Saito explained to us while we were waiting for Lady Toyo's ANBU. "So in turn, we too must be super unpredictable."

"Noboru-kun's blind, so we automatically have an advantage," Shikayoshi joked.

"Well, that is a good point," Noboru agreed grudgingly. "He won't be expecting my blindness-no-jutsu, that's for sure."

"You're going to have to use your Byakugan, Miyako-chan," Shikayoshi said to me.

"Yeah, yeah. I know," I groaned, "but I'm not using the Gentle Fist style."

"That's a good idea. Morikubo will be expecting a Hyuuga to use Gentle Fist," Saito agreed.

"Didn't you say you were developing a Gentle Fist rip-off or something?" Taro asked me. "Why don't you use that?"

I sighed. My Taijutsu style wasn't even close to being perfected. My main hope for the taijutsu style was that the strikes, unlike Gentle Fist, would cause external damage in addition to the internal damage that the chakra strikes cause. The only way for this to be made possible, I had deduced, would be through the use of chakra scalpels. Chakra scalpels require _really_ good chakra control and _a lot_ of chakra. While I did have _really_ good chakra control, I only had an average amount of chakra for a nine-year-old ninja.

Instead of saying all that, I just said, "It's not a _rip-off_. And I'm not done with it yet."

To which Saito scowled and said, "Why is this the first I'm hearing about it?"

To which I responded, "You're not a taijutsu specialist. You wouldn't be any help."

To which Saito puffed out his cheeks and said, "You still could've told me about it."

Taro sighed. "Just shut the fuck up and listen to me."

We shut up.

"That escalated quickly," Noboru muttered.

Taro ignored him and continued, "The best way to deal with Morikubo is to not have a plan. If y'all have a plan, he's gonna figure it out and then you're screwed. I'm looking at you, shadow boy."

Shikayoshi jumped. "What? Me? What-"

"You Naras are all about your damn plans and shit. I'm telling you not to be," Taro snapped.

Noboru turned to Saito. "What makes Morikubo so nuts anyway?"

At that, both Saito and Taro stiffened considerably. Slowly, they both turned to look at me.

"What?" I was getting nervous. "What?" I asked again when neither of them answered.

Saito took a deep breath. "Well, Morikubo's a known war criminal-"

"The motherfucker's got a freaky hair fetish," Taro interrupted. "He'd kill people, scalp 'em, then wear their hair as trophies."

"Of fucking course he does," I groaned.

"So since Miyako-chan has nice hair," Shikayoshi reasoned, "she's basically screwed, right?"

"Pretty much," Taro said flippantly. "Luckily, Morikubo's going to die, so it won't really matter in the long run."

I took a lock of my hair and held it between two fingers in front of my face. It was silky and purple and reached a couple inches below my shoulder blades and it was probably my best quality. For the first time in my life, I cursed having such nice hair.

 _I_ really _don't feel like getting scalped._

"You're not getting scalped, Miyako-chan," Saito reassured me, as if reading my mind. "Besides, Tsukigakure's ANBU are some of the best in the world, dattebate.

I noticed a pair of Tsukigakure ANBU conveniently approaching us as Saito spoke those words; a man with a turtle mask and a woman with a bear mask.

Saito's face broke into a grin. "You must be our backup! Let me guess; Kuma and Kame."

"Actually it's Chuck and Dolores," the man said.

 _The hell's a Chuck and Dolores?_ I thought to myself.

We were all silent, save for Taro, who growled, " _Humans,_ " under his breath.

The woman sighed. "He thinks he's funny. I'm sorry. You are correct. I am Kuma and this is Kame." She directed her attention toward Saito and bowed. "It is an honor to be working with you, Uzumaki-sama."

Saito's grin grew even wider, "Seems I'm pretty famous around here, dattebate!"

"I've only just met the guy, but I can assure you that this will be anything but an honor," Taro murmured.

The ANBU seemed to suddenly remember just why they were here and straightened immediately.

"This is the badger?" Kame asked hesitantly.

"Gee, I don't know! Do you see any other talking honey badgers around?" Taro snapped.

Although I couldn't see their faces, I could tell that no amount of ANBU training could have prepared ANYONE for being snapped at by a giant, sassy honey badger.

Taro turned up his nose. "We're going now," he said, and stalked away.

"Wait!" Kuma said suddenly, "Don't we need a plan?"

Taro snorted. "Morikubo's nuts, but he's still a genius. You make a plan; you're going to die."

Noboru, who had been silent for a while, spoke up. "How do we know this isn't a trap?""

Taro stopped dead in his tracks and fully turned to face us, "The fuck you asking me this now for?" He sounded more shocked than angry.

"Wait. You mean nobody even though that this could possibly be a trap?" Kuma sounded more angry than shocked.

"They're just kids, Nidana," Kame attempted to calm her down.

Kuma froze.

Saito chuckled softly, "He done fucked up."

Before I could ask what was wrong, all hell broke loose.

"YOU IDIOT!" she yelled angrily. "You're not supposed to use our real names!"

"I'm sorry!" Kame raised his hands in defense.

Nidana grabbed his collar. "Sorry isn't going to cut it, Sanki! What the fuck made you think it was a good idea to compromise my anonymity?"

"Sensei…" I began.

He held up a hand, "Wait for it."

"You were going to explode! I just-" Kame paused. "Wait a minute…"

Nidana sighed, "Shit."

"YOU DID IT TOO!"

"They're like a bad comedy duo," Noboru whispered.

"I think they're golden, dattebate," Saito said happily.

Shikayoshi shook his head in disappointment. I guessed he was thinking something along the lines of, _everyone is crazy and I'm probably the least crazy crazy person here._

If that was what he was thinking, I agreed with him completely.

Taro shook his head in disappointment. "We don't got time for this shit. We should go."

 _ **Crack!**_

Nidana punched Sanki in the face, breaking his ANBU mask into little pieces. The remains of the mask fell to the ground, revealing Sanki to be visibly mortified and a rather attractive man with brown hair and blue eyes. This mortified face morphed into one of anger, and he proceeded to grab Nidana's mask, rip it off her face, throw it on the ground, and repeatedly step on it. Nidana's silver hair covered her face. She brushed it out of the way to reveal a pair of very angry green eyes.

The two glared at each other, not saying a word.

I blinked.

Noboru had no expression on his face, probably because he couldn't see what was going on.

Saito was attempting to hold in his laughter, and was failing miserably.

Taro was a honey badger, and therefore I could not determine what he was thinking.

Shikayoshi was twitching. I didn't know why, but it couldn't be good, so I took a large step away from him.

And then a small hairy man dropped down from a tree, raised his hands to the sky and screamed, "YOU ALL MY BITCHES NOW!" and began laughing in an insane manner.

And all hell broke loose.

* * *

Shikayoshi Nara felt like this entire situation was a badly written satire.

Shikayoshi Nara hated satires. They were stupid and unrealistic.

Shikayoshi Nara had been slowly losing it ever since he and Miyako were approached by a giant talking honey badger, and he had been too caught up in the whole TALKING HONEY BADGER deal that he didn't notice the signs.

Shikayoshi Nara was about to lose it.

Kami help whoever got in his way when he did.

* * *

Noboru noticed an angry flare in Shikayoshi's chakra when the strange man dropped from the trees and declare them all to be his "bitches." He also noticed Miyako slowly stepping away from Shikayoshi right before this happened.

Noboru decided to do the same.

* * *

Saito knew Shikayoshi had…issues, to say the least. He just forgot about them. It was kind of easy to considering he had never seen Shikayoshi totally lose it before. Yeah, Shikayoshi had had a few outbursts during the past year, but none of the outbursts were major and no permanent damage was done.

When Saito realized that Shikayoshi was close to snapping, he put a hand on said student's shoulder. Shikayoshi stiffened noticeably.

"Don't worry. I've got this 'ttebate," Saito reassured.

Shikayoshi glared at him, but said nothing.

"Sensei," Miyako began tentatively, "why did a small, hairy man just fall from the trees?"

"That's Osamu Morikubo. He is, as you can see, absolutely nuts," he responded.

Morikubo stopped laughing at the sound of his name and turned to face Saito. His eyes lingered for a moment before they traveled to Taro. He smiled, revealing a set of crooked, rotting teeth.

"Taro! My faithful servant! I thank you for capturing these fine specimens for me to-"

"No," Taro interrupted.

Morikubo's smile wavered. "What?"

Taro sighed, "I'm with them."

"Yes, I see that. You captured-"

"No," Taro said firmly. "We're betraying you."

As soon as he said that, honey badgers of varying sized entered the clearing from the surrounding forest.

Morikubo clapped his hands happily, "Ah, reinforcements! How kind of-"

"You are misunderstanding our presence, Morikubo-san," a smaller, visibly older honey badger approached the war criminal. "This is a coup d'etat. We are betraying you. We have enlisted these humans' help."

Morikubo's eyes widened and his smile faltered. "B-but Ran-chan! What has brought this on?"

"You're an insane sadistic sociopath with a highly disturbing hair fetish who has been risking our lives for the sake of this fetish and your petty revenge against the population of Tsukigakure," Ran said flatly.

Morikubo gaped at the honey badger.

"This is so _stupid_ ," Shikayoshi murmured.

Miyako and Noboru nodded in agreement.

Saito glanced at Sanki and Nidana to see if they had any idea what to do, but Nidana met Saito's gaze and shook her head incredulously.

"How long has this been going on?!" Morikubo asked.

Taro growled, "Ever since you killed Fuyukiku-sama!"

He scrunched up his face in confusion, "The fuck's Fuyukiku-sama?"

"She was our leader!" a honey badger slightly larger than Taro barked at Morikubo.

"Ohhhhhhh! Right, right. She was your 'elder' or whatever," Morikubo snapped his fingers. "But Ran-chan! You were my most loyal subject. You swore to me that your allegiance would _never_ waver!"

Ran bared her teeth, " _I lied_."

Morikubo gasped, scandalized. "Then-then you-"

"We're going to kill you now."

At this, Nidana and Sanki unsheathed their swords. Saito took this as a sign to activate his chakra chains. Both Noboru and Shikayoshi drew a kunai.

Shikayoshi drew his hunting knife, his expression dark.

And he began to laugh.

"Shit," Saito cursed.

Shikayoshi stopped laughing and looked straight at Morikubo. He shifted his grip on the knife.

Morikubo took one look at his situation, turned on his heels, and ran.

Shikayoshi laughed again and ran after him.

* * *

"Damnit Shikayoshi!" I yelled.

"After him!" Taro declared, earning a war cry from the other honey badgers.

In less than a second, Saito, Noboru, Sanki, Nidana, and I were alone in the clearing with no idea what the fuck just happened.

"We'll go after your teammate," Nidana said after a moment. "We'll knock him out if we must, although I prefer it doesn't come to that." Sanki nodded in agreement, and the two were off.

I pinched the bridge of my nose. "Why didn't we do anything about Shikayoshi?"

Saito and Noboru stared at me as if this was something that had never occurred to them before, but said nothing.

I groaned, "I wasn't ready for today."

"I don't think any of us were," Noboru agreed. "Are we going to go after him?"

Saito nodded. "Getting Shikayoshi in a safer state of mind is our top priority dattebate. Be prepared for anything."

"Yes sir!"

* * *

We found Shikayoshi almost immediately. He was under a tree, tied up with rope, and he was crying. Or laughing. Or both. For the life of me, I didn't know. His eyes were red and puffy and tears were streaming down his face and it sounded like he was crying, but he was smiling.

"I think Sanki and Nidana found him," Saito said to no one in particular. "They probably left to pursue Morikubo and the honey badgers."

"His chakra's all messed up," Noboru said. "It's fighting itself."

"TALKING HONEY BADGERS! FUCKING UNREALISTIC!" Shikayoshi screamed and began crying for real.

Saito clenched his teeth and closed his eyes. "I need you two to stay with him while I go after Morikubo."

"Are you crazy?!" I hissed, "I should go too! I'm the one who's going to get this contract in the end. I should at least do something to help!"

Saito grinned reassuringly. "Shikayoshi needs support right now-"

"YOUR FACE NEEDS SUPPORT YOU PIECE OF SHIT!"

"-and maybe you can give him that support," he finished. "You can come meet me when everything's in order, dattebate." With that, Saito gave us a two fingered salute and disappeared.

Noboru slowly approached Shikayoshi and patted his head. Shikayoshi went quiet, then started screaming again. Noboru turned to me.

"Well I'm all out of ideas."

* * *

 **This one sucked, and I know. I just figured that it wasn't fair to the 13 people following this thing if I didn't update soon.**

 **There IS GOING TO BE ACTION in the next chapter, I promise.**

 **Thanks for reading!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Here, as promised, is some action. Sorry if this gets dull at some point/drags out/sucks.**

 **All techniques mentioned are in Japanese Romaji and will be translated at the end of the chapter.**

* * *

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto**

* * *

As far as Nidana Orihara was concerned, someone as crazy and unstable as Osamu Morikubo should not be an organized and calculated as Osamu Morikubo was.

Clearly, Nidana had been wrong for most of her life.

If she ever had children, Nidana decided, she would tell them of this experience. Assuming she got out alive, that is.

Morikubo, being the hair fetishist he is, fought with the collected hair of his enemies. It was a fighting style similar to that of Saito Uzumaki, but much, _much_ more disturbing. The hair was strong and sharp, as the man demonstrated when he cut Nidana's tachi. What made it worse is that whenever Nidana or Sanki cut the hair ropes, _it would grow back._

Morikubo was juggling fighting the two ANBU with dodging his former summons, who were doing a good job keeping him occupied.

"Nidana-chan." Nidana glanced at Sanki.

 _Uzumaki-san on his way_ , he signed. _ETA 2 minutes._ Nidana nodded in understanding, once again grateful for Sanki's skill in chakra sensing. All they needed to do was hold Morikubo off until Saito got there. Between the three of them, it should be an easier victory.

"STOP WIGGLING YOUR FINGERS AND _PAY ATTENTION TO ME!_ " Morikubo sent a thinner rope of hair towards the two ANBU. They scattered, but not fast enough. The attack grazed Nidana's leg, cutting it.

"Shit!" she hissed. Nidana immediately began to treat it with a healing jutsu, and it was healed in seconds. Taking notice of her distraction, however, Morikubo sent another attack her way. She barely had enough time to perform a substitution jutsu and move next to Sanki behind one of the larger remaining trees.

"You okay?" Sanki asked, visibly concerned. Nidana rolled her eyes.

"You clearly underestimate me, Sanki. I'm fine. How long until Saito gets here?"

Her partner pursed his lips, "I was gonna say something about that. He should be here by now, but I can't sense his chakra anywhere."

"That's strange," Saito said. "I'm shit at hiding my chakra levels, dattebate."

Sanki and Nidana glanced at him, unimpressed. "How long have you been there?" Nidana asked.

"About thirty seconds 'ttebate. Do you mind me asking why you thought it was a good idea to tie up my mentally unstable student?"

Nidana pointed at Sanki. "It was his idea."

"Hey!"

Saito waved them off, "Not important. Do we have any constructive ideas as of how to beat this guy?"

There was a good thirty seconds of silence before Nidana was struck with an idea.

"I could seal off his brain," she offered.

Sanki looked at her as if Nidana had just said she was going to jump into a volcano just to see how hot it was. "Are you _crazy_?"

Nidana shrugged. "Possibly. I mean it's either that or we die of either chakra exhaustion or scalping."

"How would you manage this?" Saito asked.

Nidana closed her eyes and did a few quick calculations in her head. There was the temporal lobe, the frontal lobe, the somatomotor cortex, the somatosensory cortex, the parietal lobe, the occipital lobe, and the cerebellum. Nidana would have to make three layers for each of those parts – one layer to block the function of the part being sealed, the second to actually seal away the functionality, and the third as a security seal. That was twenty-one layers right there. It would also be wise to add three more security seals for the forebrain, the midbrain, and the hindbrain. Twenty-four now. Nidana would then have to get close enough to Morikubo to put the seal on him – preferably his forehead for maximum effectiveness.

Nidana opened her eyes and gave Sanki and Saito the gist of it:

"Twenty-four layers. With my kekkei genkai I should be able to get it done in a few minutes. Then I'll need to get in close enough to apply it. In short, I need you to distract the nutjob long enough for me to get the seal in order."

Nobody said anything for a good amount of time, not even when a honey badger flew past them, hit a tree, and disappeared in a puff of smoke.

"You're crazy." Sanki said again.

Nidana glanced pointedly at him. "I thought we already gathered that."

"I think it's a good idea dattebate!" Saito grinned.

Sanki rolled his eyes, "Of course you do. Nidana-chan, you're supposed to be the sensible one!"

"I _am_ being sensible, Sanki. Which is why you need to get out there and weaken this guy enough for me to _do my job_ ," Nidana snapped.

Sanki lowered his gaze. "I just don't want you getting hurt. Ever since we were kids, Nidana, I've–"

"Sanki." Nidana interrupted. "Now's really not the time for emotional flashbacks."

He flushed, "Right. S-sorry."

"Alright!" Saito stood up and pounded his fists together. "Let's go for it!"

* * *

The whole thing was a massive fuster cluck.

That's what Nidana was thinking as she worked on layer seventeen of twenty-four.

Most of the honey badger army was either dead or back in their honey badger dimension, Sanki was running out of chakra, Saito had a wound on his leg that would not stop bleeding, and Osamu Morikubo was just fine.

 _I wasn't ready for today_ , Nidana decided.

Sanki turned to Saito, "I have enough chakra to perform one last technique without dying of chakra exhaustion. Please protect Nidana-chan. If something were to happen to her I–"

"Dude," Saito interrupted, "Not the time."

"S-sorry."

Saito grinned, "You don't have to worry about Nidana-san, dattebate. Toyo-sama would skin me if something were to happen to her." With a nod, Saito jumped back to where Nidana was.

"Yo," Saito gave a two-finger salute.

"Do not speak to me. Do not touch me. _Do not breathe my air._ If I lose concentration, I will mess this up and I will have to start all over," Nidana told him sternly.

"Why's the seal on your hand?"

"For fuck's sake, _what did I just tell you_?" Nidana snapped. She sensed that Saito wouldn't leave her alone, so she took a deep breath and began to explain:

"The Orihara kekkei genkai is the ability to create seals in our minds and place them on our target just my touching it. Usually, with smaller seals, I just have to create it in my mind, taking into consideration just where the seal is going, and I can place it easily and efficiently. Since this seal has _twenty-four layers_ , I need to put it on my hand while I'm constructing it. I've made it so that the seal will only activate when it comes in contact with Morikubo, in case I need to come in contact with somebody other than him."

Saito raised an eyebrow. "How'd you manage that?"

"He cut me earlier," Nidana said. "I got a sample of his chakra from it. I've also made it so that I can remove the seal if I have to."

Saito nodded, impressed, but said nothing. He turned his attention to Sanki, who was staring down his opponent.

"My name is Sanki Hisakawa. Remember it well; it will be the last name you ever hear," Sanki declared.

Morikubo chuckled. "Ohohoho! Hisakawa you say? I will remember that name as the name of one who had the courage to fight me one-on-one."

Sanki raised his sword so that it was perpendicular to his body. With his free hand, he ran two fingers over the back of the blade.

" **Fūton: Juu Ni no Odori no Tsurugi!** "

The blade of his sword glowed blue, and Sanki entered a fighting stance. He slid his right foot forward and disappeared. He reappeared half a second later at Morikubo's side. He slashed at the hair armor and made a relatively deep cut.

Morikubo's eyes widened. "What is this?"

Sanki disappeared and reappeared on Morikubo's other side before the hair could reach him. He made another cut before repeating the process. This went on for about ten more seconds before a rope of hair shot out from somewhere within Morikubo's hair armor and wrapped itself around Sanki's leg three times.

Sanki paused mid-air, his eyes widening in shock. "Eh…?"

He never got to finish his thought. Sanki was lifted into the air by his leg before being slammed into the ground, causing a small crater. Morikubo lifted Sanki up again before repeating the process several more times.

When Morikubo realized that Sanki was unconscious, he flung Sanki across the clearing. Sanki hit the trunk of a tree with a sickening crack and fell to the ground, motionless.

Nidana bit her lip to keep from screaming. Instead, she stared angrily at the seal on her hand, as if glaring would make it go faster. _Just a little more,_ she thought. _Just two more layers_.

Saito looked over his shoulder at Nidana. "He's alright, Nidana-san. He's in a lot of pain but he's alright, 'ttebate."

Nidana breathed a sigh of relief. "Uzumaki-san, I'm almost done with the seal."

Saito held up a hand. "Say no more. I've got this, dattebate." Cracking his knuckles, he walked toward the enemy, only stopping when he and Morikubo were only a few meters apart.

Morikubo pointed at Saito dramatically. "You must be the Crimson Shadow, Saito Uzumaki!"

"Yep!" Saito grinned. "And you're that crazy hair guy, Osamu Morikubo, right?"

Morikubo's face brightened. "Ah, you like my collection do you? I do have quite the number of specimen, you know." He opened the armor of hair that was covering his body, leaving him completely naked, save for a loincloth tied at his waist. Morikubo had a more colorful selection of hair on the interior of his armor. "I have hair from all of the major clans that I collected myself!" he laughed, reaching for a lock of silver hair. "This one belonged to the love of my life, Toyo Orihara."

Nidana choked on air. _He…with my mother?!_ She violently pushed away the disturbing images that came to mind.

Saito nodded. "I see. And she left you? That's why you have a personal vendetta against Tsukigakure, dattebate."

Morikubo became visibly enraged as he replaced his armor. "You're on _her_ side, aren't you? You've come to stop me!"

"Yeah, pretty much." Saito sighed before jumping back a few meters. "You are, unfortunately, absolutely nuts." He began making hand signs and smirked. "Sorry."

" **Kyuubi no Oni Kusari!** "

Nidana gasped, "Kyuubi? The demon?"

As if in response, a surge of demonic chakra came from Saito as nine crimson chains materialized around him. The power of the chains radiated such strong chakra, even Morikubo felt the need to take several steps back.

The final layer of the seal fell into place, and Nidana quickly checked it over for any mistakes. "Good," she said after finding none, "Uzumaki-san! It's finished!"

Other than a barely noticeable nod of his head, Saito gave no indication of having heard her. Instead all his attention was on Morikubo.

"Do you know why I'm known as the Crimson Shadow?" Saito asked, slowly moving his hand up to the bandages covering his eye.

"I have heard rumors as to why you go by that name," Morikubo said seriously. "It is said that you hide in the shadows and strike silently. The last thing your victims see is a flash of red, and a crimson stain is all that remains of them."

Nidana shivered. She, too had heard those rumors. After meeting Saito, however, she began to wonder if he even _was_ the legendary Crimson Shadow. Now, she realized, there was no doubt about it.

Saito stopped moving his hand as he looked at Morikubo in shock. "That–That's what people are saying about me? Holy shit!" He laughed in disbelief. "It's actually because of my hair, my eye and my chains." Saito removed the bandages from his face, revealing a bright red eye with a slit pupil. "See?"

A bead of sweat rolled down the side of Nidana's face. _Seriously?_

Morikubo had a similar, more violent reaction. "THAT'S THE STUPIDEST THING I'VE EVER HEARD!"

Saito rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. "Hehe. Right?"

Morikubo went red with rage. "SHUT THE FUCK UP!" He quickly sent a particularly thick rope of hair toward Saito. In turn, Saito lazily flicked away the attack and retaliated with an attack of his own. Morikubo attempted to block the attack, but Saito's chains cut straight through the hair.

Morikubo's eyes went wide. "What? How?"

"I infuse my chains with my wind chakra nature. As a former shinobi, you should know that wind cuts through anything, dattebate," Saito said, sending over another chain. He made a cutting motion with his hand, and both chains quickly moved toward Morikubo. At the last second, however, Morikubo disappeared and reappeared directly next to Saito.

Saito's eyes widened, "What…"

Morikubo grinned. " _Psych!_ " With a flick of his hand, Saito was impaled through the stomach. Blood flew out of his mouth as Morikubo retracted the attack.

"Uzumaki-san!" Nidana shouted in concern as he fell to the ground.

Morikubo perked up at the sound of her voice, as if just remembering she was there. A sick smile grew on his face. He raised his hand.

The attack was so fast, Nidana hardly had time to react. She couldn't fight back because she used most of her chakra creating the seal, and she was too worn out to dodge properly. All Nidana could do was close her eyes and wait for the pain to come.

 _I'm sorry, Sanki…Uzumaki-san…I failed…_

And then…

" **Jūken: Hakkeshō Kaiten!** "

 _What…?_ Nidana's eyes flew open just in time to see Morikubo's attack deflected by a spinning blue dome. The dome disappeared to reveal an out of breath Miyako Hyuuga.

"Are you okay, Nidana-san?" Miyako asked.

Nidana said nothing; she merely nodded. _That's a Main Branch technique. How can she-"_

Morikubo was in a similar state of shock, as he couldn't even form coherent sentences.

Miyako stared at him coolly. "Now, Noboru-kun!"

Noboru Uchiha ran out of the forest and charged straight at Morikubo, making hand signs on the way.

Morikubo recognized the hand signs a bit too late. "Shit."

Noboru brought his hand to his mouth.

" **Katon: Gōkakyū no Jutsu!** "

The fireball hit its target, igniting Morikubo's conveniently flammable armor of hair. The string of curses and insults that flew out of his mouth made Nidana wince.

But Miyako remained expressionless. "Shikayoshi-kun!"

The Nara boy casually strolled out of the woods, showing no signs of his previous outburst. He stood next to Miyako with his hands in his pockets.

But he did nothing other than watch Morikubo flail around in flames.

Miyako glared at him, "Shikayoshi-kun! What are you waiting for?"

In response, Shikayoshi jerked his head at Nidana. "She has to apologize."

"For _what_?!" Miyako screeched.

"She tied me up," he said.

"I'm sorry," Nidana offered weakly.

Shikayoshi regarded her for a moment before shrugging, "Mah, whatever."

He took his hands out of his pockets and formed a rat seal.

" **Kagemane no Jutsu**."

Shikayoshi's shadow darkened considerably and extended across the clearing to Morikubo.

As soon as the shadow reached him, he stopped flailing immediately. Morikubo's eyes widened as he looked to Shikayoshi. "This is…"

Nidana didn't know what to say about the perfectly executed plan. _Even though Morikubo's summon told us not to make a plan…_

Miyako turned to Nidana. "So," she said awkwardly, "what do we do now?"

Nidana stood up and showed them the seal. "With this, I can shut down his brain. Thank you for trapping him like that." She bowed once to Shikayoshi and Miyako, and a second time to Noboru, who had just walked over to them.

Noboru had a confused expression on his face. "What are you-"

Nidana said nothing as she calmly walked over to the paralyzed enemy.

"H-Hey. Y-y-you don't have to do this!" Morikubo protested when Nidana was close enough. "Y-you're Toyo-chan's kid r-right?"

"I am."

His expression brightened. "You know, I-I might be your-"

He was cut off as Nidana placed her hand on Morikubo's forehead. Before she activated the seal she said, "You're not my dad. My dad's alive and well and there is solid proof that he is, indeed, my father."

Morikubo's eyes widened. "What?"

Nidana took a deep breath and transferred the seal.

Osamu Morikubo's eyes dimmed and he dropped like a sack of bricks.

Nidana turned to the three Konoha Genin and smiled.

And then she passed out, leaving them with two unconscious ANBU, their sensei, who was in the process of bleeding out, and a brain dead war criminal.

"I wasn't ready for today," Miyako decided. Her teammates nodded in agreement.

It is then, of course, that the reinforcements from Konoha decided to show up.

It was going to be fun trying to explain this.

* * *

 **Fūton: Juu Ni no Odori no Tsurugi- Wind Release: Twelfth Dance of the Blade**

 **Kyuubi no Oni Kusari- Demon Chains of Nine Tails**

 **Jūken: Hakkeshō Kaiten- Gentle Fist Style: Eight Trigrams Revolving Heaven**

 **Katon: Gōkakyū no Jutsu- Fire Release: Grand Fireball Technique**

 **Kagemane no Jutsu- Shadow Possession Jutsu**

 **As you may have guessed, the first two techniques are ones that I made up.**

* * *

 **In the next chapter, I'll be explaining some questions raised in this chapter.**

 **Also, I'll be attempting an OMAKE about how Miyako and Noboru calmed Shikayoshi down. If you have an idea, please leave a comment and let me know.**

 **Thank you for reading!**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: If anything, this is a filler that answers a few questions. It's total crap, in my opinion, and for that, I am sorry.**

* * *

"What do you mean you didn't have a plan?!" Saito said angrily a few hours later. Konoha had sent a team of Chuunin to back us up, and apparently the falcon Tsukigakure sent got sidetracked by food, which was mainly why they were late. That didn't stop Saito from punching one of them in the face after everyone was healed though. And Sanki and Nidana were just as curious as Saito as to how three nine-year-old genin managed to best an S-Class war criminal. It wasn't until we rendezvoused in Lady Toyo's office until we were able to talk about anything.

I shrugged, "Shikayoshi was the one who suggested that we wing it, 'cause Taro said not to make a plan."

"Shikayoshi was just in a catatonic state dattebate!" Saito snapped. "Why would you listen to him when he had just gone through a mental breakdown?"

" _Hey!_ " Shikayoshi exclaimed indignantly.

"Why are you offended?" Noboru asked. "You _did_ have a mental breakdown."

To this, Shikayoshi puffed out his cheeks and said nothing.

I turned my attention back to Saito, "We kinda had no choice, Sensei. I don't know if you noticed, but you got stabbed, Sanki-san broke nearly every bone in his body, and Nidana-san was about to get eviscerated by _hair_. It was _literally_ our only option."

"But," Nidana cut in, "you looked so _organized!_ It's hard to believe that everything was spontaneous."

Lady Toyo nodded in agreement, "Yes, from what Nidana described, everything was calculated and perfectly executed."

"For the record, I was expecting Miyako-chan to call Shikayoshi first," Noboru piped up. "I didn't have time to think of a good plan so I just used the first thing that came to mind."

Saito pinched the bridge of his nose. "Toyo-sama, what is the current classification of this mission?"

Toyo thought for a moment. "I would normally classify this as two separate missions with the original honey badger elimination being a low B-Rank and Morikubo being high A-Rank to low S-Rank."

Saito made a strange gasping/squeaking sound. Nidana went pale. Sanki's eyes widened.

Noboru sighed.

Shikayoshi rubbed his hand down his face, muttering about this whole thing being "Troublesome."

"Holy shit," I crouched down and covered my face with my hands. " _Holy shit!_ " I repeated.

Toyo remained neutral. "However, that is not important. There are more pressing matters at hand. For one, I am curious about something, Miyako-chan."

I jumped up. "Y-yes, ma'am!"

"Nidana said earlier that you performed Hakkeshō Kaiten. That is a Main Branch technique, if I am not mistaken. You are not a member of the Main Branch, correct?"

I really couldn't answer that. Not without getting both me and Saito in serious trouble. One of the training exercised that Saito had us do was to enter our respective clan's archives undetected and steal any technique we could get our hands on. Noboru somehow got a scroll on a technique called Susanoo that was only accessible using a higher level of Sharingan. Shikayoshi took a technique that his brother's team developed for the Ino-Shika-Cho combination. And I stole a scroll on Main Branch techniques. And I learned the crap out of Hakkeshō Kaiten.

Instead of telling the truth, I merely shrugged and said, "I'm not. I just spied on some training."

My lie seemed to be accepted, and the subject was dropped. I breathed a sigh of relief.

Toyo folded her hands in front of her face. "I believe that we should discuss the subject of the state of Osamu Morikubo."

Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Nidana stiffen.

"Mother," Nidana said through gritted teeth, "I have been meaning to ask you about something that Morikubo said earlier."

Sanki inched away from her, "Nidana-chan I don't think–"

"Shut up, Sanki."

Sanki shut up, and Nidana continued, "I believe Osamu Morikubo said something about the possibility that he is my father. Do you have anything to say about that?"

"He's not your father," was all Toyo said.

Nidana rolled her eyes. "I _know_ that! But did you seriously _sleep_ with a guy with a hair fetish?!"

I fidgeted uncomfortably where I stood. I could see Shikayoshi and Noboru had a similar reaction, and Saito was looking a little green.

" _Nidana!_ " Sanki hissed. "There are _children_ here!"

She rolled her eyes. " _Please_. These 'children' can handle it. They literally incapacitated a war criminal."

"They're still kids, dattebate!" Saito added.

Nidana turned to face him. "And how old were _you_ , Uzumaki-san, when you first took out an A-Rank again?"

We all looked at him expectantly until he muttered under his breath, "Seven."

"My point," Nidana said with a smirk on her face before turning back to Toyo. "So, did you–"

"Yes."

I snorted when I saw Nidana's jaw drop.

"What?" Toyo said, "I thought you wanted to know?"

"Toyo-sama," Sanki said. "I don't think she was expecting you to answer her."

She nodded in understanding. "I see."

"No! Don't 'I see' me!" Nidana suddenly regained her composure. "Does Toshirou know? Hell, does _Dad_ know? Morikubo had a _lock of your hair over his–_ "

"Yes, your brother knows, and yes, so does your father. I was going to tell you when you were older, but–"

"Oh my _god_ , Mother! I'm twenty-one! What do you mean 'older'? Toshirou's _younger_ than me! How old was he when he found out? _How_ did he find out?"

A small, barely noticeable blush appeared on the Orihara matriarch's face. "I do not believe that is important."

Noboru coughed softly to get Saito's attention. "Um, Sensei, should we leave…?"

In response, Saito chuckled and patted Noboru's head. "Hell no, 'ttebate. This is just getting good. I'll step in if things get out of hand."

Nidana's face flushed angrily. "Not important? I am an adult, and my nineteen-year-old brother knows that you fucked a nutjob! I'd say this is _pretty goddamn important_!"

Toyo glanced at everyone in the room before looking straight at her daughter with a clenched jaw.

Finally, she let out a defeated sigh before standing up, grabbing Nidana's arm, and dragged her out into the hall.

We turned to look at Sanki, who was looking visibly green. The look on his face told me that he knew exactly what was going on, and I had the sneaking suspicion that I really didn't want to know.

"Toshirou told me that he walked in on his parents," Sanki revealed reluctantly. "It's not my place to say, but I'm guessing that they said some stuff and –"

"Sanki-san," Noboru interrupted. "With all due respect, please do not say any more about this."

Shikayoshi and I nodded in agreement.

The door to the office slammed open, and Nidana quietly walked over to stand beside Sanki. Her face was bright red and she was looking down. Toyo entered a few seconds later, appearing to be as calm as ever. She sat down at her desk and cleared her throat.

"Now," Toyo said, "how exactly did you manage to incapacitate Osamu Morikubo?"

A bead of sweat rolled down my face. _Are we just going to pretend that didn't just happen?_

"Very well," Nidana said, suddenly regaining her composure, "I used the seal some of our ANBU use to seal away their emotions as a basis for the seal I used to put Morikubo in this vegetative state."

Nidana went on into detail about exactly how she created the seal she used.

For the life of me, I could not understand a word of it. Judging my Noboru and Shikayoshi's reactions, they were in the same boat as me.

When Nidana was finished, Toyo nodded, impressed. "I will be expecting diagram of the exactly how you put the seal together one of these days."

"Yes, Mother."

Saito scratched his chin, "What are you going to do about him, dattebate?"

"We're offering him to Kumogakure, in hopes of improving our relations," Toyo explained. "I have already contacted the Raikage, and he is willing to give us the full bounty."

Sanki raised his hand. "Toyo-sama."

"Yes?"

He lowered his hand. "What about the honey badgers?"

"Oh," I said, remembering something, "Taro-san said that the summoning scroll is in Morikubo's hideout."

"There's your answer, dattebate," Saito said.

"We will be needing to investigate the hideout," Toyo said to me apologetically, "I'm sorry, but until our investigations are complete, I cannot allow anything to leave it."

I shrugged, "That's fine. Just so long as I actually get the contract, I don't care when you can get it to me."

Shikayoshi snorted, "Wow, Miyako-chan. You really _can_ be understanding!"

My glare was all it took to shut him up.

Toyo nodded to me in thanks. "It is getting late. I wish to invite you to stay the night here so you may get some rest before you depart tomorrow."

Saito bowed. "Many thanks, Toyo-sama."

* * *

The next day, Nidana asked to see me for a few minutes before we were set to leave.

The first thing she did was bow. "I have yet to thank you for saving my life earlier."

I blinked. "I-It's alright. Y-you're welcome."

She straightened up and looked pointedly at my hitai-ate. "I've been doing research on the Caged Bird Seal for several years now."

My breath hitched. "Y-you have?"

Nidana nodded. "From what I've learned, there's no way to remove it without a member of the Main Branch. However," she held up her hand when she saw my face fall, "if one were to hypothetically introduce ANOTHER seal in the same place as the one you have now, the seal will be overloaded with chakra and essentially stop working. I mean, this is HYPOTHETICALLY and I definitely didn't say anything about it, but if I WERE to be talking about it I would suggest reading up on chakra storage seals."

As I stood, processing her words, Nidana patted my head with a grin, "Your team's probably waiting for you, Miyako-chan. Remember: I told you nothing." With a wink, Nidana walked off, leaving me still in shock of this new revelation. Wordlessly, I turned on my heels and walked to the gate of Tsukigakure.

* * *

 **On another note, I've gotten a surprising number of positive reviews. And the best part? I got a negative review, which means this is turning into a real thing!**

 **But in all honesty, I like positive reviews! If you want, please do tell me exactly what you think and if you think anything should be changed/done.**

 **Also, that omake I was talking about last chapter? It'll happen.**

 **Eventually.**

 **Thanks!**


	8. Chapter 8

Upon our return to Konoha, we were met by Saito's sister, Kushina. She was a pretty woman with long red hair and purple eyes. When she saw her brother, she ran up to him, going for what I had assumed was a hug.

She drop-kicked him.

Noboru, Shikayoshi, and I blanched at the sight.

"I can see why he was so hesitant in introducing us," Shikayoshi said under his breath. Noboru and I nodded dumbly in agreement.

Meanwhile, our sensei was faced with the wrath of his twin sister.

"YOU IDIOT! LETTING GENIN DEAL WITH AN S-RANK CRIMINAL," she screeched. "AND WITH HONEY BADGERS NO LESS! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?" As Kushina ranted, she shook Saito by the shoulders. Saito looked about to pass out from the whiplash. Thankfully, Minato Namikaze flashed right behind Kushina and put a hand on her shoulder. She immediately released Saito, who dropped to the ground like a bag of bricks.

"Now, now, Kushina," Minato said, "None of them know what they were getting into." His smile was so kind and his voice was so calm, I almost forgot he was one of the most feared shinobi in the world.

Kushina blushed. "O-of course I know that!" she pouted. "I just think it could have been handled differently."

"Well, it's not like he left us alone to deal with the guy," Noboru piped up in full Uchiha diplomat mode. "We probably wouldn't have had to do anything if he hadn't gotten stabbed-"

"YOU GOT STABBED?!" Kushina grabbed Saito by his collar and dove into another rant.

Minato let out a defeated sigh and walked over to us. "You kids should just go on your way. It's basically impossible to calm her down when she gets like this." He laughed bitterly. Based on his expression I could tell he was internally screaming.

"Will Saito-sensei be okay?" I felt obligated to ask.

"Well…" Minato looked back at Kushina and Saito. At this point Saito was trying to fight back, but Kushina had him in a headlock and he was beginning to turn blue. "He won't die. Probably." He paused. "My team is at Ichiraku's. Why don't you go and meet up with them?"

Figuring this was the only reassurance we would get, and tempted by the prospect of food, Noboru, Shikayoshi, and I took our leave.

"Shouldn't we be debriefed first?" Shikayoshi said as we walked through town.

I shrugged. "I think we'd need sensei for that. Considering he's incapacitated at the moment…" I omitted the fact that I would rather be doing literally anything else other than debriefing. Low-rank mission debriefing was bad enough, so I could only imagine what S-rank debriefing would be like.

We arrived at Ichiraku's to find that Minato's team was already there as he had said.

"Yo Obito!" Noboru said to his fellow Uchiha clan member. Said clan member, being the least Uchiha-like Uchiha ever, jumped out of his seat upon realizing that it was Noboru who had spoken.

"Dude!" Obito exclaimed, abandoning his ramen. "I heard you went on an S-rank! Is that true? What was it like? I heard you went up against a war criminal! And that Miyako-chan got a summoning scroll! And-"

Rin came up next to Obito and smile. "Now, Obito-kun. They can't answer all your questions at once." Obito instantly quieted and let out a small "Sorry" in response. Rin turned her attention to me with wide eyes. "But is it true, Miyako-chan? That you have a summoning scroll?"

I shrugged. "I don't have it _now_ but the Moon Village said I can get it after they're done investigating Morikubo's hideout."

"You faced Osamu Morikubo?" the third team member, who had been sitting at the counter, finally spoke up.

"Oh!" I exclaimed, recognizing the silver hair and masked face. "You're that kid! Kakashi-kun!"

Kakashi ignored me and walked up to us. "How could a group as dysfunctional as yours face an S-rank criminal?" Despite being so young, his gaze was condescending and judgmental. Obito's expression darkened and he opened his mouth to say something, but was interrupted by Noboru's hand shooting out and grabbing Kakashi's face.

"What- Why is his face covered up?" Noboru questioned. I had no idea what he was doing, but the look of pure hatred in Kakashi's eyes was hilarious, though I managed to keep a straight face. "I mean I can't really make out your features but I think you're frowning. Is he frowning guys?"

"Can't tell, man. Like you said, his face is covered up," Shikayoshi said with a shrug. "Although he does look like he wants to kill you."

Noboru hummed and let go of Kakashi's face. "We may not follow the rules, but that doesn't make us dysfunctional. I mean, how many S-ranks have _you_ been on, huh?"

At this point the look on Kakashi's face was absolutely _murderous_. His voice was deadly calm when he said, "Breaking the rules inevitably leads to disaster. It is only a matter of time before one of you dies because of it." With that, he stalked off, leaving the five of us to stare after him in shock.

Rin stepped forward as if to go after him, but I put my hand on her shoulder. "Let him be, Rin," I said softly. I turned to Noboru. "Dude. What the hell? I get he was being a little shit, but did you have to antagonize the kid?"

Noboru sighed. "The stick up his ass has a stick up its ass. I swear that kid is worse than some of the Uchiha." At this, Obito nodded his head vigorously in agreement.

I snorted. "You clearly haven't met a Hyuuga yet."

"Miyako-san," a monotone voice came from behind us. We all turned to see Hoheto, a branch member of the Hyuuga clan.

I groaned. "Speak of the devil. What do you want?" I snapped. Rin and Obito looked at me, visibly startled by my hostility toward my fellow clan member. Shikayoshi and Noboru, however, were completely aware of my disdain for the clan, and as such merely looked on in amusement.

"Hidehiko-sama requests your presence," Hoheto said in the same droll tone. "Immediately."

I rolled my eyes. "He does realize I just came back from a mission, right?" It was a useless question; the clan head was definitely aware that I was exhausted, hungry, and filthy from the mission. Since he had a personal vendetta against me, I was sure that was the exact reason he wanted to see me immediately.

"Hidehiko-sama-"

"I'm surprised your nose isn't brown from kissing his ass so much," I sneered. "I get it, the almighty clan leader wants to see me and you're bound by duty to fulfill his every wish." Hoheto looked taken aback and frankly offended by my words.

"Mi-Miyako, don't you think you're being too rude?" Rin spoke up.

"Nah, he's used to it," I said. "You're used to it right?"

"I-"

"See? He's used to it. I'll see you guys later okay?" I waved to the four of them and went with Hoheto to the Hyuuga compound.

* * *

Hidehiko Hyuuga was an old man of sixty-seven. He had an air of refinement around him, built up by years of training. It was really hard to tell what he was thinking as I entered the main hall of the compound. Clan elders lined both sides, silently judging me as I approached the clan head. Hiashi and Hizashi were to the side, also silently judging me.

When I reached Hidehiko, I knelt as per clan etiquette. "You wished to see me, Hidehiko-sama?" I barely managed to hold back any other comment, and patiently waited for the clan head to tell me exactly why I was plucked away from the prospect of food.

"You recently returned from an S-rank mission," he said. It was not a question, and there was no hostility in his voice. It was spoken as if a genin fighting a war criminal was an everyday occurrence. Hidehiko's nonchalance on the matter was not shared by literally everyone else in the room, however, as surprised murmurs erupted from the clan elders and the two heirs who had been completely stoic up until now.

"I did," I spoke up, in turn silencing everyone. "Although not by choice," I added under my breath.

"Rise, Miyako," Hidehiko said calmly. "You have no reason to be so guarded."

I did so, puzzled by the fact that he was acting so civil toward me. Usually the clan head, along with everyone else, seemed to act like I was gum stuck under their foot. "Hidehiko-sama…?" I began, suspicion coating my voice.

He held up his hand to silence me. "You faced a dangerous war criminal, Miyako. This is something that deserves recognition. The village has lost many shinobi to Osamu Morikubo, and you, a _genin_ played a crucial part in his downfall." Hidehiko's mouth cured into a barely noticeable smile. "Your father would be proud."

My breath caught in my throat. I opened my mouth to say something I had hoped to sound rude and biting, but all that came out was "Ausashahblahaaa…?" because it was an unspoken rule in the clan that _nobody_ was to speak of my father unless it was in an example of what _not_ to do when you were dying.

My undignified reaction was mercifully ignored due to Hidehiko's words to the clan elders: "Leave us." Whatever protest the old geezers had was prematurely snuffed by Hidehiko's cold glare.

And so the elders left begrudgingly, and were soon to be followed by Hiashi and Hizashi before Hidehiko told them to stay.

"Miyako," he said. "I have requested that your team be recommended for the Chuunin exams.

My mind immediately went to a blank, and I said the first contrary thing that came to mind: "Noboru's blind."

"And Nara-kun has the Shadow Imitation jutsu. I hardly see what Uchiha-kun's disability has to do with your Chuunin exam recommendation."

 _Did he just tell me how to cheat on the Chuunin exam?_ I shook my head of the thought. This whole situation was too surreal. The clan head was being too _nice_. Hell, this guy basically kicked me out of the compound! I narrowed my eyes. What was he playing at? "Can I leave now?" I snapped when nothing came to mind.

Hidehiko let out a long sigh. "Yes, you may. Good evening."

I nodded and went to leave when the clan head's voice stopped me. "Miyako."

I turned back.

"I am…sorry," he said, "for all that you've been through."

My jaw clenched and I turned back to the door. "Whatever," I grumbled stubbornly.

We were debriefed the following morning. If S-rank debriefings were always that long and tedious, I doubted I ever wanted to be anything but Genin. When the meeting mercifully ended, Saito was given a long pointed look by the Hokage.

Saito rolled his eyes and sighed. "I was getting to that, old man." He turned to us. "It was requested that I recommend you for the Chuunin exams, so I did."

Noboru and Shikayoshi blinked in shock. I looked at our sensei, unimpressed.

"Dude he's not lying," Noboru whispered to us.

Shikayoshi rolled his eyes. "Why would he lie in front of the freaking _Hokage_ , man?"

"The exams are in a few weeks," Saito continued as if neither of them had spoken, "and they're in Kirigakure so-"

" _Kirigakure_?" I said incredulously. "Isn't tension like _really_ high between us and them?" I looked to the Hokage who nodded calmly. "Son of a _bitch_ ," I huffed. So that's why the clan head requested our recommendation. He wanted me to die in a faraway country.

"Saito-sensei," I said. "Your sister is really good at seals right?"

"Yes…" Saito nodded slowly, clearly put off by the determination in my eyes.

Nidana Orihara's words came back to me, and the Caged Bird seal itched behind my forehead protector. I clenched my jaw. "I need her help."

* * *

"You're asking me to help you break the law," was all Kushina Uzumaki said when I told her my plan. It wasn't a question; she was stating a fact.

I doubt this was what Kushina was expecting when Saito brought me to the house she shared with Minato.

I rolled my eyes. "There's no law saying that I can't get rid of this seal."

Minato, who had been silent up until this point, shook his head in disbelief. "The only reason there isn't a law is because nobody would be stupid enough to try to tamper with it." The Yellow Flash looked startlingly non-passive. Probably because I had just asked his girlfriend to help me fuck up a seal that could potentially kill me.

"Minato, shut up," Kushina snapped. "Miyako-chan, you said Nidana-san from Tsukigakure told you a large amount of chakra would cancel out the Caged Bird seal, correct?"

I nodded and she continued. "Saito told me that you were granted a honey badger summon scroll. They should be able to help you speed up the process."

"I don't have the scroll yet," I said, clueless as to where Kushina was going with this. She was completely serious; it was a totally different feeling from when she was beating up Saito earlier.

Kushina waved me off. "When you get the scroll, then. The point is, what I'm about to tell you takes expert chakra control, and it may be years before you can complete it." She leaned forward in her seat. "How much do you know about Tsunade Senju?"

* * *

 **So after a billion years I had enough inspiration to continue this thing. I won't lie: I don't know when I'll update this next. What I do know is that I'll tell you if I decide to discontinue it. Hopefully it won't come to that though.**

 **I wanna say thanks to everyone reading this for putting up with my shitstorm of a story. Hopefully it'll get better as I grow as a writer.**


End file.
